The Adventures of Mary Sue
by Aurellia Faun
Summary: If you, like most people hate Mary-Sues… go find another fanfiction to read, 'cause you'll hate this one. Mary and Stewart are chosen for the whatever-eth Quarter Quell and Panem will never be the same again! Disclaimer: No crack was consumed in the making of this fanfic. Just that thing we need to breathe, oh what's it called again, air. Co-written by Nigel the Octopus.
1. Reaping Day

**Author's Note: This is purposely cruddy; hello, the main character is a MARY SUE. I'm writing it with my little sis. I would be working on my fanfic that's actually meant to be good, but I have writer's block. And yes, Mary's last name is a synonym of perfect. So is Stu's. I hate them both already. I don't own the Hunger Games. Duh. Do I look like Suzanne Collins to you?**

**This story was based off of Blame-It-On-The-Alcohol's guide, "How To Make A Very Suckish SYOT" except this isn't an SYOT.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 1: From Bad to Worse<p>

Note: The rebellion never happened because Katniss ran off with Peeta to live in the woods.

"#&%!" Mary's dad, Bobert, shouted at Mary as he threw his knife at her heart. He missed by a lot, as the knife stuck in the floor next to her foot. She screamed and her dad slashed her with his other knife. "#&% it Elmira! Stand #%&ing still!" he yelled at her. Mary shut up. "It's the ReApIng daY geT iN tHhe #%&iNg TRIANGLE!" Mary obediently picked up her little brother, Gary, and limped to the District 12 public square (using her _un_injured leg of course) to take her place in the twelve-year-old girls' section. The mayor's super-boring speech was about to start. Completely ignoring the mayor, Mary began to talk to her best friend, Carrie. "So, do you think that you'll be reaped?" Mary's 1,500 pound dress made of pure diamonds was glistening in the moonlight. It was stunning. So stunning in fact, that several girls standing by her dropped dead. It was only made of the rarest, most expensive, most precious diamonds in Panem. Her mother had told her the dress would give her the power to be perfect, and she was right.

"No, I didn't take out any tesserae. What about you?"

Mary pursed her lipstick covered lips. Her lipstick was made of ground up platinum; and not only had it cost the lives of many unknown miners, but it tasted like fresh-picked banana nuts! Oh, how Mary wished she had lips! They had been cut off long ago by her drunken father. _"Can I have a pony? It's for the less fortunate!" _

_"#%$ it Margarin! No!"_

_"But why not father?"_

_Her father had jumped on her an cut off her lips._

_"I LoVe yU DaddY!"_

But of course, she wore lipstick anyway.

"I don't think I'll be reaped either, even though I took 9001 tesserae and want to volunteer."

Carrie was completely unaware of everything going on in Mary's abusive life. She didn't even know that Mary's mother died a year ago after teaching Mary how to hunt in the woods (because giving a half-deaf ten-year-old who can barely walk a bow and arrows is a _great _idea). In fact, Carrie was so oblivious that she didn't notice Mary's multiple cuts, stab wounds, or the fact that her best friend was missing an ear. The mayor ended his long, boring speech. Leffie Trinket then said an equally boring speech, "... and may the odds be _ever _in your favor!" She looked exactly like her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother, Effie.

"Ladies first!" She pulled the slip of paper out and read the name, "Jeri Mclelen."

"No!" Mary yelled, depositing Gary in Carrie's arms before she limped up to the stage with her ten-foot-long black hair trailing behind her, butterfly-print eyes shining with desperation. She didn't even know this Jeri girl, who happened to be seventeen, skilled with a knife, and altogether had a better chance of surviving than the abused twelve-year-old who now, in addition to being half deaf, had a lame leg. Apparently the moron didn't even consider the fact that she'd be ditching her pathetic two-year-old brother with her abusive dad. In fact, (just to give her a little bright spot; all Mary Sues must have one) her father had, right after Mary volunteered, died of alcohol poisoning. This of course meant that she would be leaving Gary with Carrie instead. It was all for the best. Maybe.

Leffie stood there, dumbfounded. "_You _want to volunteer? Well, if you insist..." She looked at Mary with distaste. "What's your name?"

"Mary Paradisiac."

"Didn't you have a sister... Moo or Zoo or something like that?" Leffie asked, sounding only slightly more interested.

"Sue. She died in the games, but I think that I have a really good chance of winning!"

Leffie stiffled a laugh, and called out the boy's name, "Stewart Consummate."

Stewart walked up, his red hair and eight-foot-long beard (for he is twelve; he MUST have a beard to rival that of Albus Dumbledore) trailing behind 'him', all 700002 hairs on the top of his head rigid with fright, his one cheese-like elbow glistening in the sun, plaid eyes swimming with alarm, his beautiful unibrow arching in terror. His kneecaps were rambunctious as usual, and his toe nails were pretentious. His elegant tuxedo was made out of rubies.

_No! _Mary thought. _Anyone but him! Haven't I suffered enough?_ Her parents were dead, she was missing an ear and had scars all over her body, she had to leave her two-year-old brother, and now she was going to be forced into the arena with the love of her life. Could things get any worse?

Stewart's hair changed lilac.

Yes, yes they could.

This year, the Quell twist was: If any tributes have younger siblings or other relatives, best friends, and/or crushes, they must wear skinny jeans, a neon dark black bubble dress, and a Barbie wig while they are in the arena. Oh, and there are two victors this year. (Don't you just love the unoriginality?)

Mary was walked to the Justice Builidng, where half the population of District 12 had assembled to see her off.

"Happy birthday, Mary." Carrie said as she handed Mary a cake made of the most delectable ingredients in Panem. People in the Capitol would have been jealous of Mary's cake. Mary, of course, immediately shared it with everyone who had come to say goodbye. While they were eating, she pulled Carrie aside and told her about her father and the abuse she had suffered.

"...and then he threatened to make me listen to the Rebecca Black version of Friday, but he passed out, so I went to the bakery where I met _Stewart_" - she said his name so lovingly that if there was anyone in a five-mile radius who _hadn't _loved her, that person would have vomited. "So then this morning, my dad paralyzed my left leg..." Both girls were, by this time, in tears at the thought of never seeing each other again.

"Oh my gosh, Mary, I had no idea! I thought people were supposed to be born with one ear, no lips, and multiple missing fingers and toes. How could I have been so ignorant?" Carrie cried harder.

**Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper **walked in. "May I have a word with Mary?" the president asked.

Carrie nodded, tears streaming down her face, and left.

"Mary, I'm mad at you," **Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper **said. "Your father owes me a large sum of money, so I'll be holding your brother hostage until you either win the Games and pay me back, or die, after which I will kill him slowly and painfully."

"I love you, **Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper." **Mary said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to help the slug stuck in this salt shaker."

The slug stared longingly at Mary, wishing it could be as kind, loving, brutal, perfect, cheeselike, violent, sweet, adorable, perfect, tallowy, perfect, intelligent, perfect, Renneissance, perfect, beautiful, perfect, graceful, perfect, but mostly as perfect as her.

Mary saved the poor slug, and boarded the train, already being mourned by half the District.

At last things could only get better. Right?


	2. Train Ride

**Author's note: I'm sorry for not updating! High school is busy. This mandatory filler chapter was written completely by my sister. ****It is, to say the least... horrifying. Please review anyways... assuming your eyeballs don't burn out.**

**I do not own the Hunger Games. If I did, Buttercup would be the main character.**

After a short car ride to the train station, Mary's face instantly lost all traces of tears the second she looked at the first camera. Her reaping outfit sparkled more than Edward Cullen in full sun surrounded by mirrors, but of course all of the pictures and footage were perfect anyways. She hurried into the train, closely followed by Stewart. As soon as the door closed, the train started moving. Mary and Stewart were completely unaffected by the sudden burst of speed and proceeded to make out on the polka dotted velvet plush sofa, before realizing that the color clashed with both of their outfits. They immediately sprang apart and began the obligatory banter with their drunken mentor, Jayfinch. "I l-love you Jayfinch, you remind-ind me of my dearest deceased father." Mary sputtered, immediately giving Jayfinch a big hug.

"Well, you're obviously not going to win by actually killing anyone, unless they die from laughing at you." The train turned, and Mary fell over. Jayfinch stared at the wall. Mary blinked. Mary's dress danced in the moonlight. Mary coughed. Mary fidgeted with her very expensive bracelet, made of pure platinum and more diamonds. Mary twiddled her thumbs.

Leffie Trinket suddenly walked through the door. "Let's watch the reaping recaps….." Leffie suggested. Mary's dress sparkled more than ever before and for no reason became pink. "That's a wonderful idea Leffie!" Mary turned on the TV, and saw the District 1 reaping…..Shimmer Shiney, age 18, did a little happy dance when she was reaped, as she was going to volunteer. Her pure gold-and-silk dress glowed slightly as she flounced up to the stage, her long blond hair trailing behind her (sound familiar? All Career reapings must be described, along with the reaping of an equally pathetic Sue or Stu from a poor District. The rest of the tributes will rarely be mentioned until they die; and of course, Mary knows everyone's name because she's a Sue). The male tribute, Polish Luxur, age 18, calmly volunteered for the wussy 18 year old, and walked up wearing his turquoise tuxedo and spiffy white silk tie. He flourished his three-foot-long saber with an opal-encrusted hilt and solid silver sheath. Mary thought he was a very unfortunate boy.

"Poor Polish! His sword's hilt is only opal-encrusted! How very unfortunate!" Then the District 2 reapings were up….Flint Locke, age 18, ran up to volunteer, her token of 2 katars slung casually over her shoulder. She beamed at the crowd as the male tribute was announced, Fostress Maximilian, age 18, whose token was a semi automatic machine gun with 20 reloads. "Oh that poor boy! He has a mullet!" Mary exclaimed. District 4 was up next…..Porpoise Seafoam, age 18, looked a bit startled as her name was announced, but she bravely walked up to the stage, dragging her gigantic trident (her token). A wussy boy was reaped, but his younger brother, Wallace Grommit, age 18 (yes, 18 is the cutoff, but it was his older-than-him-by-two-minutes twin brother), volunteered for him and placed his token of a pair of tweezers in his pocket. "That boy Wallace has a very dangerous reaping outfit! I should give him money to buy an outfit that doesn't clash!" Mary yelled. It was weird that she should care so much about random psychopaths who would probably kill her during the bloodbath, but neither Stewart nor Leffie commented on this. Jayfinch had already drunk so much that he had sustained alcohol poisoning and was taken to emergency medical care by a Capitol attendant. All of the other kids who were reaped except for the Careers were twelve years old. Nobody thought this was unusual in any way. Mary remembered every single tribute's name, and happily danced in front of the gazillion mirrors in the room she conveniently walked into. "I love you Stewart…..Do Do do doo…..I love you too…..Do do do de….. I love you Stewart…De do do…..You're just like me…..I love your bellybutton….. Dum Dum dutton…. Cute as a button…Do do do….I love your arm….De Do Do Darm…. Like chicken pram…Do do do….I love your pancreas….de do do dad….It gives me happiness…do do do…..I love your esophagus…..de de de…Unlike ring rot fungus…..do do do…..Love your appendix….do do de…Your hot genetics…I love your throat….do do de ed… It's-so-much-better-than-this-crappy-fanfic-that-the-authors wrote….de de de do….I love your thumb…..do do do do…What the heck is gmbh?…do do do de….I love your fingernails…..do do do do…..Just like your toenaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiils!" Mary sang perfectly on pitch in her sweet dulcet voice. Over. And over. And over again. She continued to conveniently sing for the duration of the train ride. She used her ninja-Sue powers to see that Stewart was singing almost the EXACT SAME SONG! Creepy, much?


	3. Happy Hanakwanzmas!

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! Just wanted to let you guys know that I am still alive, and that my sister and I will not be writing any more chapters until after Christmas. There are semester exams to prepare for – ugh. To partially make up for the lack of a legitimate chapter, we wrote this wonderful little holiday blurb (There, I complimented it – merry Christmas little sis). Have a happy *insert whatever December holiday you celebrate here*, everyone!**

**I don't own anything from pop culture referenced here, or the Hunger Games.**

_**President Frivoliuos Poison-Viper **jumped into bed and fell asleep. What happened next could only be called a nightmare. Well, his nightmare, anyways._

"Merry Hanakwanzmas **President ****Ecstatic** **Prissy-Face ****Candy-Muffin**"Maritisu called up into the sparkly low-fat sugar mansion. **President Frivolious Maxima Poison-Viper's **eyes flew open. _Please let the district girl be talking to someone else. _he thought. He looked down, and saw that the floor and walls were red and white striped. The room smelt nice, like...like...peppermint? He licked the wall.

"WHY DID YOU LICK THAT WALL YOU MORON?" A random flying gingerbread badger bellowed at him.

"Who are you? Where am I? Why can't I lick the walls?" The badger ignored his words and ran his gingerbread claws over **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin's **face, leaving red sugar running down his face, forming a sugary pool on the floor.

The badger then jumped onto a rainbow screaming "ADVENTURE!" **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin **was confused, sugary, and pretty sure that the walls were meant to be licked. He licked the wall again.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, MORON?" The random flying gingerbread badger bellowed at him.

"Who are you? Where am I? Why can't I lick the walls?"

The badger ignored his words and ran his gingerbread claws across the other side of **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin's **face, leaving red sugar running down his face, forming a sugary pool on the floor. The badger then jumped onto his rainbow screaming "ADVENTURE!" **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin **decided to heed the badger's words and jumped out of the window. He knew one thing, and one thing only. He was NOT a reindeer, because as you all know, reindeer can fly.

He fell like a rock, and almost toppled the Kinorrah tree. "Heavens to Betsy!" Stevieldy remarked. **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin **stared at the girl? No, he was pretty sure it was a boy. Anyway, Stevieldy had menorrah print hair, _Weirdo. _happiness colored eyes, _Wait... wha? _and a ginormous neon halo. He blabbered to the girl next to him, who had Chrismas colored eyes, silvery tinsel hair, _WTF? _and wonderous naturally blinding white wings. "That there sugar fairy fell next to the Kinorrah tree," Stevieldy continued, "that means that we can sing a Hanakwanzmas carol to repel the sugar plum demons!" **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin** was terrifed for the first time in his life.

"On the first day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"Some corn and a roll of TP" _WTH is wrong with these people?_

"On the seond day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"2 tubes of toothpaste and some corn and a roll of TP" _Make it stop..._

"On the third day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"3 stale fries, 2 tubes of toothpaste, and some corn and a roll of TP." **President Ecstatic Prissy-Face Candy-Muffin **tried to tell them to shut up, but it felt like his mouth was glued shut. _Wait... why can't I talk?_

"On the fourth day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"4 well dressed hobos, 3 stale fries, 2 tubes of toothpaste, and some corn and a roll of TP."

"On the fifth day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"5 oooonion riiiiiiiings (ba dum dum) 4 well dressed hobos, 3 stale fries, 2 tubes of toothpaste, and some corn and a roll of TP."

"On the sixth day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

"6 empty boxes..." **President Frivolious Maxima Poison-Viper **woke from his dream in a cold sweat. He swore he could still hear those...those voices singing that horendous song.

"On the tenth day of Hanakwanzmas this fairy gave to me..."

What? B-but...B-but...that..that was just part of his dream, right? He looked outside and saw Mary and Stewart singing. "_ (for the swear word of your choice)!" he screamed, but not loud enough to drown out the ending of the song.

"12 ticklish Elmos, 11 bad fanfics, 10 dumb advertisements, 9 clocks ticking, 8 jedi narwhals, 7 pencil sharpeners, 6 empty boxes, 5 ooonion riiiiiings (ba dum dum), 4 well dressed hobos, 3 stale fries, 2 tubes of toothpaste, and some corn and a roll of TP. And some corn and a roll of TPPPPPP!"

**President Frivolious Maxima Poison-Viper **fainted. Stewart and Mary high-fived each other and scampered off to their rooms; their eyebrows needed to be pretend plucked.


	4. Chariots of Fire

**Author's Note: Finally, finally, finally this has been finished. I can't believe that it took so long to write. I put Mary through the Mary-Sue test and she scored 370 (Irredeemable Sue). Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and free virtual cookies for anyone who can guess where Mary's new eye fashion statement came from. I apologize for the excessive use of the word "sexy". Enjoy... if you dare.**

**Disclaimer: I am fourteen. No way do I own the Hunger Games. If I did, Prim would never have died.**

Mary stared out the window of the train, her gaze poring over the Capitol. It was beautiful and well-coordinated, but not as beautiful or coordinated as her wardrobe. She tossed her silky magenta curls and discovered that the beauty of the Capitol had renewed her outer beauty - her missing fingers and toes magically grew back, and all of her scars mysteriously disappeared. Stewart had transformed as well and Mary thought that he was still the handsomest, most considerate boy in the world. She stooped down and picked up a pebble. "I'll call you Bertram Foozizzle," Mary said as she slipped the pebble into her pocket. In fact, "Bertram" was a small gold nugget. "You will be my bestest friend in the entire world. No one else understands me like you do, Bertram... well, except for Stewart." Bertram looked quite sad to Mary, which made her want to pour out her miserable tears onto the pavement. But she didn't. Mary stayed strong for Bertram's well being.

She passionately kissed Stewart, and wept into his muscular strong arms. Her tears turned to diamonds, and made the softest pinging noise as they clattered against the road. Mary stroked Stewart's seeexy plaid beard, which enveloped her in a plaid wonderland! "Oh Stewart," Mary malleable -ly whispered into Stewart's SUPER sexy eardrums, "you always know what to say." Stewart actually hadn't said anything at all, but Mary could read his mind.

"I know, Pukums. I know." Stewart whispered back as he grasped her beautiful and perfect arm appendage (aka hand). They stared passionately into each other's stormy limpid orbs of hidden depths and secrets (most normal people call them "eyes").

Leffie and Jayfinch rolled their eyes at the display. "IF YOU TWO DON'T HURRY UP, WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE LATE!" Leffie shouted.

Mary, Bertram, Glinda (the other "pebble" that Mary picked up that was actually a hunk of platinum) and Stewart listened to her like the perfect obedient little cherubs they were. Suddenly, all of them were in their separate rooms being fussed over by their respected prep teams; even Bertram and Glinda, though the "pebbles" were just being checked over before Mary could take them into the arena with her.

Mary's prep team could find nothing to fix about her. She was already perfect. They gave her a beautiful dress and implanted time-telling rubies into her eyes that ran counterclockwise. Her dress was the most amazing thing ever, pried from Cinna's cold, lifeless fingers. What's that? You thought Cinna was beaten to death in Catching Fire? Well, he actually just slipped on a piano.) The fabric was so light that it felt like it wasn't even there, it was also softer than a wagon full of chinchilla fur. It was a beautiful shade of silver, and it showed off a LOT of Mary's sexy body. As Mary was thanking her prep team for the beautiful obviously stolen dress, it changed color. This made Mary's hair color change as well, just so it would match her outfit, which was now a luscious shade of aquamarine with royal blue flecks. Mary sighed. She was starting to miss Bertram. And Glinda. Oh, and Stewart too.

Mary ran to Glinda and Bertram, with arms outstretched and tears streaming down her face. Bertram and Glinda transformed into twin katanas with 'Mary + Stewart = true love' written on them in Korean. Mary cried tears of joy and happiness. But they evaporated instantaniously as she sensed Stewart's presence. Stewart stepped into the room, radiating eternal love and devotion. Mary ran up to him, embracing him and almost suffocating him with passionate kisses burning with the heat of a thousand suns. It was so intense that the entire Capitol could've burned down. Neither of them would have noticed.

The chariot ride began. District One rode by in a chariot pulled by neon yellow horses. The boy and girl were dressed as bananas with dreadlocks, and still managing to look beautiful and amazing. The industry of their district was tacky amusement park junk, after all (In the thousands of years since the canon Games, the needs of the Capitol changed drastically, thus the new stuff).

District Two's tributes were encased in a gigantic snowglobe with wheels, which was being pulled by white horses. The girl was wearing a short red dress and the boy was in full winter garb - coat, hat, gloves, scarf, snowpants, and boots. Their industry was, wait for it...snowglobes.

District Three's two tributes were dressed as green pigs holding the latest in lamp technology. All of the Capitolians hurriedly left the area around the chariots and traversed to Lampy Lamps 'R' Us™ to buy the lamps the tributes were holding. They obviously manufactured lamps.

District Four's male and female tributes were dressed up in elaborate sea cucumber costumes, complete with cucumbers harvested fresh from the sea by the tributes' parents. Their businesses involved all of the fishes of the sea. It was confusing, as no one had ever heard of a sea cucumber until now.

District Five's, which business was saccapuntas, male tribute was dressed as a yellow #2 Papermate™ pencil. The girl was dressed as a hot pink Fiskars™ brand pencil sharpener. The costumes were well made, but rather unflattering.

District Six's two tributes were dressed as a quadratic equation. Six manufactured math textbooks 'the most important thing of all' (at least, according to my math teacher). It hurt to look at them, because they awakened terrible memories of high schools and colleges. People threw rocks at them.

District Seven's tributes were just wearing hideous Christmas sweaters (donated by Aunt Mildred). No pants. Just sweaters. Rocks were also chucked at them, but not as many as the crowd had throw at Six. You may have already guessed this, but they make legwarmers.

District Eight's tributes were wearing complex alpaca costumes, complete with genuine alpaca spit, sweat, and hair. The crowd thought they were llamas, and since everyone freaking loves llamas, crazed fangirls rained upon their heads. "HEEEEEEEEeeeeellppp..." they shouted as the fangirls buried them alive. Two cannons went off, and Capitolian medics swooped in and imediately resurrected them. What? You're wondering why if the Capitol can resurrect people they don't just keep reusing tributes? Well, BECAUSE THEY DON'T FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL LIKE IT! Besides, it would get boring and the whole purpose of the Games is to kill a ton of people every year. EIGHT DOES FREAKING LIVESTOCK AND OTHER STUFFS.

District Nine's costumes were an ottomon and a glass of eggnog. Even though they make...trees. That's right! Original costumes for everyone! Even if the stylists were all on crack. (except for Mary and Stewart's. They could never be exposed to such horrid behavior)

*musical interlude: Space is Fun starts playing despite the lack of any real words or loudspeakers*

District Ten's chariot included a Tamagotchi dress and suit, covered with thousands of tamagotchis, with gigantic key chains stuck to their heads. As we all know, Tamagotchis are a heck of a lot more important then whatever crap Ten is supposed to make.

Eleven was just a plastic bag full of fire. The tributes couldn't be bothered to show up, so in their places the stylist set two plastic bags full of coal on fire.

Mary and Stewart stood up front where the cameras could capture every perfect angle of their perfect little costumes on their perfect little bodies. Mary flipped her gorgeous mane of red hair and made everyone's eyes turn to her. Bertram and Glinda had changed into a necklace, which was so beautiful that she and Stewart started to glow a lovely shade of pink. Their outfits became a color that was a perfect mixture of red, pink, and daffodil. Eight's fangirls immediately left and started drooling over Stewart. "Get your hands off of him, you sparkly son of a vampire!" Mary shouted at one girl who was trying to make out with him. She clamped her hands over her mouth, because she was sure she had offended the ugly girl. The ugly girl exploded because Mary's words pierced her so. Mary pretended that this had never happened, and waved to the crowd, which proceeded to faint.

Thirteen came out with their costumes, sporks with tacquitos sticking on the pointy parts. Moments later, District Thirteen was firebombed by an angry lamp. The tributes of Thirteen then ceased to exist.

After the Chariot rides were over, Mary and Stewart went to Mary's room and slept. After, of course, a two-hour session of making out (which I will not describe. You should be grateful).


	5. IMPORTANT

**Author's Note: Some very serious things have been happening lately, making it hard to attempt to write anything humorous. If this block persists for much longer, this story may be closed. Heck, I'm not even writing correctly; Mary Sue stories (almost) NEVER have good spelling or grammar. I can't even kill off the main characters that I hate because they never freaking die.**

**Also, because of the aforementioned problems, I will have to stop updating this story for awhile. Because there is a slight possibility that my sis and I may someday start writing again, this story will remain undeleted; however, it may undergo a major rewrite when and if I ever come back. **

**In the meantime, we started working on this Harry Potter/Percy Jackson crossover on the computer without spell check (that I didn't edit). Enjoy!**

prolog

im Niteshade Darkn'ss Vampyre Trageddy Sorow Hunter-Ravenn. i hav lon blak har. i hav purpl is. my skin is pal wite, lik a vampire. o an im alsso a werwolf. a demigod dauter of Artemis Zeus Poseidon Hades Ares Athena Aphrodite Hephaestus Demeter Hera Hermes Dionysus Hestia (A/n: i copee pastd deese of off goooogle ;) ^^)air of a secrt fortun. i also last practicr of secrt maigiks. dont tel dumpledork. or draco. or percy. or nico. or luke. or harry. or ane of my over bfs. voldymort has retrnd. spoky rite? evn tho my bf harry potter 'killed' him a few yeers ago. dont tel harry, but i fink voldymort is reely cute. an why prcy kil kronos? he was meh dad to! enof abbout meh, tim to gett vis storee startd!

chat3r 1

frst 2 mak thins cleer da sortin hatt culdnt decde on mi hous so da heds of teh howsess duled ovr meh. thay al tide so a nuw hous eas mad 4 meh & any1 i desided is kewl enuf 2 bee in ot. so farr onle mi best frend Beladona Cad'nce Sunrse, aka Hermyonee. i wak 2 da secrt entranc 2 mi hows. sur enuf hary sas waitng 4 me 2 com owt. hes so faifful! i wis i culd tel him abote perc-e & howe much i luv him butt im afrade he wuldnt undrstand. hed fink i was cheetin on him. i nevr doo vat. NIghtshade Drkn'ss Vampire Tragedy Sorrow Hunter-Raven & prc-e's uv was ment 2 b. 4 us 2 b sepr8d itt wuld tak mor darc majik & powr ven voldymort culd evr imagin posesin. hary held mi in a mbrac tht maid mi 4get al abote percy nico luke draco & dumbledork. if onle i had nown prcy was coimin 2 teh dor 2 pik mi up! "Nightshade Drkn'ss Vampire Tragedy Sorrow Hunter-Raven! com un! its tine 4 ur dat!" prcy calmy sad. "wat" hary souted "iz HE doin hear." "hary itxz nt wht u thik" Nightshade Drkn'ss Vampire Tragedy Sorrow Hunter-Raven dramaticly sad.

**PS: APRIL FOOL'S! The real chapter is on its way (eventually). **


	6. Training and Interviews

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games. I do, however, own thirty-five pairs of socks, my training dummy, and a basket full of Webkinz.**

"Wake up! Wake up! Today is a big, big, big, big…." Leffie continued saying big until Mary and Stewart super-speed changed into their amazingly sexy training outfits and stared up at her adoringly. "…day!"

Mary was gazing into Stewart's enchanting ebony colored eyes and being distracted by his hot new hairstyle that defied the laws of physics while listening to Leffie's incredibly long and boring speech about why they needed to be chipper today. "…but enough about fashionable eyebrow thickness. It's time for breakfast!" Leffie finished.

Mary, Stewart, Glinda, Bertram, Leffie, and Jayfinch (who had been magically cured: if only Mary's dear deceased ((abusive)) father had the benefit of Capitol medicine, he could still be alive…) sat at the table eating their perfectly perfect breakfast with impeccable table manners (except for Jayfinch) and talking strategy. Jayfinch made the mistake of asking Mary what her skills were. "Well, I play the slide whistle, I have perfect accuracy with the bow, I can fletch arrows, I can take down a buffalo using only a pocketknife, I'm amazingly skilled with swords, katanas, knives, daggers, staffs, clubs, maces, lances, guns, slings, slingshots, axes, and katars. I can survive in the desert with nothing but a T-shirt, survive in the tundra with nothing but a bottle cap while wearing a bikini, Stewart, Bertram, and Glinda amplify my skills and abilities..."

Jayfinch interrupted Mary's incredibly long list of skills. "Why don't you just tell us what you can't do?"

Mary was greatly troubled over the thought that she, the perfect semi-immortal Sue, could possibly be anything less than perfect at something. "Um…..I've never been able to make a proper macrame pot holder." she humbly admitted.

"Stewart, you're probably just as obnoxious and wishy-washy as Little Miss Perfect here, so what can't YOU do?"

Stewart forgave the lesser being for speaking poorly of his beloved. The poor thing was probably still drunk. "I - I can't whistle. With my mouth. I can make leaf whistles and stuff, but I've never been able to whistle normally."

Jayfinch facepalmed at Stewart and Mary's "weaknesses". "Just, work on whatever the hell 'macrame' is, and learn to whistle. Normally I'd say you should do some survival training, but judging by Mary's little speech you don't NEED any skills. Nope. Pot holders and whistling. Keys to survival in the 'Games." he ranted.

If Jayfinch had looked into Stewart's eyes while he was besmirching the good name of Mary, he would have gotten a maddening craving for steamed sea lampreys. Stewart was filled to the brim with righteous rage and Mary sensed his anger at Jayfinch's blasphemy. 'It's OK my beloved,' Mary telepathically said to Stewart, 'the lesser beings aren't aware of the almightyness that is Sue. If you imagined him bursting into flames, he would burn. But we need him alive so that we can be sent all sorts of wondrous gifts while we are in the arena.' Mary's silent speech made Stewart instantly calm down enough for Jayfinch not to be harmed.

**AN: This next paragraph should be read only in a proper British accent. If you cannot read it in a good enough accent, have a friend read it to you. Wow, an obnoxious author's note in the middle of a chapter. We're really getting into this crappy SYOT thingy that isn't really an SYOT. **

_And so, Mary and Stewart trained in noble arts of macrame and whistling. gaining years of experience and wisdom in the time it takes to microwave a burrito. And thus, with their training completed, they had a cliché make out session on the roof. Whence the time for their individual sessions came, they flew about the room in a blur that would have even impressed Bart Allen, masterfully showing off all of the stations in the room (including macrame and whistling) along with a few things that shouldn't even be humanly possible. All of this culminated in the most daunting challenge yet…_ the interviews. Duh.

The lights blared as Mary and Stewart took their places in the audience. Mary's hair was the exact color of Caesar Flickerman's makeup, which was a lovely shade of burgundy. She was wearing her platinum lipstick on her newly formed lips, and her skin randomly changed to fuchsia. Just 'cause. Her eyes were the exact color of summertime, because that totally makes sense. Stewart's hair was a firey yellow. He was wearing the proper amount of ey- sorry, _guy_liner, and his skin was also fuchsia, so that he would match his lovely Mary. His eyes were the color of autumn leaves, and shifted from red to yellow to brown. They were both wearing clothes that Mary had magically enchanted so that they would look like a different beautiful outfit to every person who saw them. For example, to unnamed example monkey #1, Mary was wearing a shimmery silver sleeveless dress and Stewart was wearing a cream tuxedo with cufflinks. Yeah, cufflinks. Mary heard, saw, and memorized every freaking detail of all of the interviews, but so that you don't die of boredom here's a few select moments from each interview:

"...and then I was all like, 'If I get reaped, I'll like, totally be like super-duper happy!"

"Could this kid be any _more_ boring?"

"Isn't giggling like the giggliest happiest show of happiness?"

"I never knew someone had a bigger one than me!"

"Um, rolling your tongue isn't the sexiest thing you could've done just then."

"Hey! You bruised my banana!"

"My favorite color doesn't matter. WTF would you ask me that?"

"What? No WAY is my gun an unfair advantage!"

"If I had a nickel for every time someone poked me there..."

"But my children need me!"

"...what did that have to do with goats?"

After the District 11 boy went, Mary stepped up to the stage in her amazing amazingness. The entire first row of the Capitol audience immediately burst into flames from too much exposure to Mary's perfectness. Caesar, however, chose to ignore this. "So, Mary, can you tell us your life story while you twirl in your awesome outfit for us?"

Mary began to twirl. "Well, I grew up in District 12, the twelve-iest District of them all, with my dearly deceased mother and father. My deceased mother taught me to somewhat illegally hunt in the fields by District 11, where I slew the waves upon waves of deer which were stuntning the growth of the farmer's harvests. **President Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper** personally thanked me for saving the entire country's food source and gave me my darling Fuffikins, who was unfortunately killed by my dearest deceased alcoholic and abusive father..."

While Mary was doing this (in exactly three minutes) the entire audience was riveted on her. When she was done, there was a round of voluptuous applause that instantly turned to silence as Stewart set foot on stage. "Stewart, do you have anything to say to Mary?" Caesar's voice quavered; he was crying from Mary's pronounced declaration of her love and for the indignities she suffered for her eleven years (Oh yeah, she's not even twelve anymore).

"Yes." Stewart shouted as he lept up out of his seat and knelt down in front of Mary. "Mary, Will you marry me so we may fill the earth with our angelic progeny?" the croud gasped, waiting for Mary's reaction. Right before Mary could cry out that yes, she loved her dress too, the timer stopped, and the interviews were over. Directly afterwards, however, she and Stewart declared their undying love to each other and Mary was given a 9001 carat diamond ring (Bertram) while Glinda transformed into a metallic platinum band that shone with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns and fit herself around Stewart's utterly unblemished ring finger.

**Author's Note: Finally got this over with after, like, six months. No one reads these author's notes anyways, so I'll just stop here.**


	7. The Final Countdown

**Author's Note: This was really short... why do the short chapters take the longest to write? Next chapter: the bloodbath. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games. Obviously. I would've made the love triangle less annoying if I did._  
><em>**

Mary teleported herself, Stewart, Bertram, and Glinda onto their respective arena plate thingys.

60…59….Mary blinked.

58….Stewart did a little dance for no apparent reason.

57…..Glinda glistened. 56….Bertram also glistened. 56…."Stupid District slave lost count again!" Peacekeeper #1 grumbled as he watched the games.

55…..Mary thought deeply about the wondrous outfit she was wearing: an outfit that wasn't even close to what the tributes were supposed to wear, which all of the Careers had also ignored. Mary was wearing the ultimate sexy survival guaranteed outfit her twisted Sue brain could conceive of: a skirt that was exactly 6 inches long that doubled as a cell phone charger, a giant rubber band as a shirt, and 10 inch heels covered in sequins which could permanently blind anyone without 'Sue' status who looked directly at them. And she wore an obnoxiously neon black toque that intensified her kawaii sexiness with Stewart, who telepathically suggested they give each other beauteous nicknames.

Mary's nickname that Stewart would say every frickin' time he addressed her was 'Honey Darkness Glorious Rhinencephalous Frippery Of Amazing/Sexy/Awesomeness' but for short, he would call her Ivory. The wondrously passion enducing nickname that Mary gave Stewart was A.L.F.O.M.B.R.A, which stood for Awe-inspiring Luscious Vengeance Omnipresent Magnificent Beacon-of-everlasting-hope-for-eternal-beauty Rageless Avian. If that didn't make sense to you, it doesn't matter. Stewart speaks fluent Sue. He also speaks 'fluent' Spanish, English, French, Italian, Cat, Dog, American, Portugese, Chinese, German, Ancient Greek, Latin, Hausa, Swahili, Arabic, Japanese, Korean, and a bunch of random other languages that you've probably never heard of. Oh, and also Tree.

54….Everybody pondered why that big ol' block o' text only took Mary 1 second. They were wrong. The gamemakers sped up time so that it would be viewable.

30…And those 2 sentences took many more seconds than Mary could afford to use up.

5….Mary realized that someone was calling her on the phone. The Gamemakers froze time so she could receive the call. "Like, Hello?"

"OH HEM GEE! Carrie died and Gary is like totally going to die of sick if you don't win! OH HEM GEE!" shouted one of Mary's rabid fan- er, 'friends'.

Mary once again blinked. "How did Carrie die?" she asked in her calming tones, struggling not to cry and stay strong for Stewart, who could magically hear everything she was saying.

"She was eating Cheetos when she walked into the bathroom, tripped on some stray TP, fell in the toilet and drowned! Isn't that the gre- er, saddest thing, like, ever?" the rabid 'friend' said. She secretly was overjoyed that Mary's best friend position was now open. But she'd have to act fast. Mary already had thousands upon millions of 'friends'. As she prepared to apply for MBFFN (Mary's Best Friend For Now) status by letting all of the drool that had pooled up in her mouth while she was talking to her idol out into her collection of things that she had obtained while thinking of/ talking to/ in the presence of Mary, she heard something she'd been dreading.

"Okay, bye then!" Mary glowingly addressed the rabid un-named fangirl, with such sincerity and power that said un-named fangirl was frozen in place holding the phone for the rest of her now fulfilled life. 4…..3….2…. Mary was startled to realize that she hadn't described the arena yet! 'How could I forget something so crucial, yet so boring and cliche!' she thought to herself. It was a place of wondrous beauty. There was a glistening midnight lake in the middle of a forest of Christmas trees, all of which were decorated with lights and ornaments. Focusing her x-ray and infra red vision a little harder, she saw that there were several invisible streams flowing out from the lake. Mary followed the course of one of the streams with her lustrous orbs until a hidden cave manifested that would be perfect for sitting in through the entire Games. Oh, and there was a Cornucopia. It wasn't quite as shiny as Bertram, but Mary and Stewart decided that they would run to it anyways, even though they could easily survive on the power of love. Or the power of bunnies, but, you know, love sounds a little better.

She closed her eyes.


	8. Mary Reap-smas!

_Running through the woods, I hope I get away_

_There's Careers chasing me, I'm screaming all the way AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH_

_Boots thud on the ground, making tons of noise_

_I wish I could've stayed at home with all the other boys -oh,_

_Throwing knives, gleaming scythes,_

_I can't get away_

_The psycho from my District should show up to save the day - Hey!_

_There she is, with her shiv,_

_Going for that guy_

_I hope she helps me get him with a stick straight through the eye!_

_- Bad Jingle Bells parody_

'Twas the night before Reaping and all through Panem,

The people were trying to hear Eminem.

The tried to forget "Oh, the Reaping's tomorrow",

And with rap music blaring, they drowned out their sorrow.

For you see little children, on that day in Panem,

Twenty-four luckless families had taken from them,

One boy or one girl, aged twelve to eighteen

To compete in a contest on worldwide TV.

But unlike other contests, which allowed time for breath,

This contest is known as a FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

That is just exposition, that's not the whole story;

Putting that in a rhyme could end up quite gory.

No, this is a poem about Mary and Stu

(Whose childhood pet had been Larry the Gnu).

These two were quite different - some called them insane

(But those were the people who knew not their names).

There was something about them that just seemed to glow

Was it Stewart's tuxedo? Mary's glittery bow?

Regardless, the two of them got much attention.

Much more than young Yogul, who was then in detention.

Mary and Stu freed the boy with a grin

Declaring, "No one should suffer like that for a pin!"

For Yogul had stolen from someone quite snide

A pin shaped like a beast that long since then had died.

"Come, help us to spread Reaping joy!" Mary said.

That year, Reaping came on a holiday none dread.

'Twas Christmas Eve, when most couldn't sleep from excitement,

But instead, their anxiety came from afrightment.

The small children cried when the morrow was mentioned

And naught that their parents did loosened the tension.

When Mary fell from the ceiling a small child screamed,

She gave her a blouse, and the child then beamed.

Yogul went through the roof of a peacekeeper's house

To deliver the present of three fresh-killed grouse.

Stu floated and threw paper up in the air -

The lyrics to Christmas songs beyond compare

The three Santa Claus stand-ins soon finished their task,

Yelling, "Mary Reap-smas to all, and the brandy's in flasks!"

**Author's Note: See, this is what happens when on the TV,**

**NickToons played a marathon we can never un-see.**

**You get random rhyming in FanFiction form,**

**('cause, trust me you guys, this sure isn't our norm).**

**Danny Phantom had to learn a Christmas lesson**

**From a guy who could use a good counseling session.**

**His name was Ghostwriter - that name sound familiar?**

**He was a very obsessive bad poetry writer.**

**When Danny (by accident) ripped up his poem,**

**The writer shoved him in his sequal to show him**

**What happens when you destroy others' possessions.**

**He gave all the townfolk a common obsession -**

**To find and destroy him with misplaced agression.**

**Dan defeated the poet with one well-thrown orange.**

**Nothing rhymes with orange, so... he couldn't finish the story. Insert predictably happy ending here. I don't know why I'm putting this in an author's note, but why not. Like anyone reads these anyways. We may or may not put the bloodbath chapter up during Christmas break.**


	9. They Still Have Bad Music in the Future

Mary teleported Stewart, Glinda, Bertram, and herself to the Cliche Cave. "The power of love is all we need to survive!" Mary shouted to the heavens.

It immediately started raining fat-free blueberry muffins. "The power of love…..has taken the form of these delicious and nutritious muffins!" Stewart shouted to the heavens.

Mary used her telepathic Sue 'curse' to check on the bloodbath. She saw that three of the tributes had been casually murdered by their comrades. This didn't bother her much, since she could bring them back as adorable furry animals. What did bother her was that each of the fallen tributes was bleeding a different color. And all the colors clashed horribly! Wallace Grommit, the poor unfortunate tribute who had brought the deadly token of a pair of tweezers was missing their head, and was bleeding a gharish shade of purple. One of the bags of burning coal that was replacing the District 11 tributes who didn't show up was split open, bleeding neon orange. Jackson McJacksonson, a tribute from District 7 just sorta died because it was convenient for the plot. He was bleeding a dreadfully normal shade of red. "Gasp! Stewart! The dead tributes' blood all clashes!" she cried.

"Don't fret, my love, it isn't their fault. Now come, let us resurrect the fallen as adorable woodland creatures!" The dead tributes were changed into cute, fluffy rabbits right before the claw took them away. The adorable bunnies hopped away, but Porpoise Seafoam tried to stab the wascally wabbits with her trident, which then proceeded to shoot deadly rainbow colored lasers from their eyeballs. Porpoise Seafoam started to slowly melt away, a look of horror plastered on her face. When she was fully melted, the bunnies started to roll about in the liquified human and grew ten feet tall. The giant bunnies began to search for another victim, but Mary's melodious thoughts held them at bay with their pretentiousness.

Mary and Stuart proceeded to have a cliche make out session in the Cliche Cave. For the rest of the Hunger Games. But wait! What are Bertram and Glinda going to do now you may ask? Well, they're obviously going to transform into a giant barrier shaped like a bowl of grapes. The grapey barrier kept all of the tributes out, and Mary and Stewart used their telepathic Sue 'curses' to observe the others.

The Careers had all gathered about the Cornucopia, and were distributing the items strewn on the ground. Polish Luxur was wearing the body of a bloodbath tribute as a cloak. Mary knew that he would be the last one of them to fall. The other Careers were all doing the macarana as they burned the other corpses. The wreckage of the claw lay next to the bonfire, so Mary knew that she couldn't leave any of her victims' dead bodies laying about. "I know!" Mary exclaimed in between her passionate kisses, "I'll transform all of the people I gracefully murder into shoes! I can send the shoes to needy children in all 15 Districts!"

Two Districts came out of nowhere and tributes from the new Districts teleported into the arena, where they were promptly killed by the Careers.

Some of Mary's triangular colored hair got in between her and Stewart. She focused her neon orange eyes on it as she swept it back with her elegant hand. Stewart paused for a moment, also fixing his metallic pink hair. Mary locked her neon orange eyes on Stewart's borange eyes and they saw everything that they had ever done in their entire lives during those few seconds. Mary saw the long hours of grueling whistling practice that had happened only a couple of days ago along with the time his shirt hadn't matched his eyebrows. Stewart saw some of her abusive past, and they both started weeping their diamond tears over each other's painful pasts.

During this long and boring 'exposition', the other tributes were busy trying to not die. Most of them were failing miserably. Several of them had been killed by the Career wearing the bloodbath tribute's body, Polish Luxur, who was now wearing rings made from the thumbs of everybody he had killed on each hand. Mary decided to put a stop to his garish fashion sense by using the power of love to strike only his clothes with lightning. Polish Luxur screamed, as the lightning had gotten rid of everything made out of human carcasses and replaced it with silly bands. The silly bands proceeded to burn with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, branding Polish Luxur's flesh with images of each and every silly band, arranged to spell out 'Saved by a Sue'. The burns were so bad that the Career was slowly cooked alive. The tribute who the Career had been throttling, Dumbicus Namius, gave a silent prayer of thanks to Mary.

Due to the prayer of thanks, Mary was compelled to beam a message across the sky with her rainbow vision in gigantic letters made of food that would rain upon all the hungry people of panem. It said, "Kimiya Mary Ice Cream Lexi Starling Kitty Jessamine Currant Flourish Kryptonia Titian Lilly Sue Chyna Rosalinda Germaine Darling Bertha Ursula Jenn Brianne Quetzalcoatl Aspen Birch Mahogany Ebony Raven Tara Way Lyn Clair Desiree Rene Charlene Pollyanna Guadalupe Maritisu the one and only is just like everyone else and is not to be prayed to. Neither is Stewart Manly Curtis Devon Bobert Fredrick Leo Innocent Gregory Urban Pious Martin Francis Benedict John Paul Richard Ignatius Loyolla Jynx Raichu Ash Oak Edward James Charles Napoleon Louis Henry Jesse George Ringo Doris Marion LaDean Yikyik Belkar Raymond Quincy Daigo Hernando Utopia Stievedly. Enjoy this free food! Love, Mary and Stewart. PS: In your face, Ecstatic Prissyface Candy-Muffin!"

The people of Panem were overjoyedly delighted at Mary's tremendous display of humility, generosity, and slightly justified gloating. They held festivals in her honor across the country and she and Stewart attended them all at the same time they were in the arena just because they could, even though that had been the exact opposite result of what the message was supposed to do. Bertram and Glinda were the special guests of honor, although Jayfinch and Leffie questioned whether Mary and Stewart had begun to treat the "rocks" as beings superior to humans. They were completely right. Nothing mattered more to them than Bertram and Glinda (except for the safety of every living molecule in Panem, and some unliving ones, but that was "equal" in importance).

Glinda felt important, glittery, humus-filled, jiggly, pink, hard, soft, blue-ish, moist, attractive, redundant, humble, cheese-like, brick-shaped, luminescent, delightful, astounding, kool, amazing, beauteous, gigantic, swanky, quizzical, zany, xenophobic, vibrant, cow, frightfully super, fortunate, firey, woody, interactive, friendly, hungry, wondrous, glassy, dog-like, better than Bertram (who had recently fallen in the pudding), and many other things that cannot be described with mere words.

Back in the arena, Maple Fencely had stumbled upon the most terrifying creature the arena had to offer. Even worse, it did not seem particullarly interested in killing him. Its cry was the most dreadful thing that he had ever heard in his life. It sounded like several cats being run over by a steamroller, with AUTOTUNE. Justin Bieber v7683 was singing along to the original Justin Bieber's music. The Capitol had recognized the terrifying power of the Biebs, and had been cloning him for millions of years. Maple Fencely's ears were just beginning to bleed as he ran away from the abomination. But Bieber v7683 wasn't done with him yet. To Maple's horror the clone had thrown a microphone at him, the cord wrapping around his legs, and was pulling him back.

"Nooooooo!" Maple screeched with the terror of a thousand burning wallabees. He grabbed a nearby stick and stabbed himself in the side with it until he died. Mary and Stewart could have saved him, but they decided to be merciful and let him commit suicide. If Maple hadn't died, he would be having extremely powerful flashbacks of the terrifying event that had befallen him. Mary's mercy was all that stood between Maple and a life of insanity.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Another year of high school... and I'm not dead yet. Yeah, this update took forever. Maybe we'll finish before I go off to college. Just kidding, there will be one more chapter of this story, and then it reaches its horrifying conclusion. Thanks for reading!<strong>


	10. And so it Ends

All of the unimportant ugly people died whilst Mary was staring into the luscious, auburn eyes of her lover. Stewart returned the blonde teenage girl's gaze steadily. "Is something wrong, love?" he asked in a tentative voice, noticing that the intensity of her gaze had slightly lowered to the white hot intensity of nine hundred and ninety-nine suns.

"The- p-poor… u-ugly p-p-p-people!" Mary sobbed. "Of course, they will live on forever in everyone's memories and their families are now rich and famous thanks to my efforts, but they n-never g-got the ch-chance to be p-p-pretty!" she wailed.

"There there, love, when they gaze upon their new beauty in your wondrous afterlife we created for them they will forget their ugliness forever and bask in the glow of beauty."

"Oh Stewart, you _always _know what to say." the teenage girl said as she lost herself in her lover's jolly thoroughfare elevator-colored eyes. They could only match his angelic bicycle-colored hair if he was perfectly perfect in every perfect way. And he was. Mary was so glad that her dearest beloved was just as perfect as she was.

Suddenly something happened to remind them that yes, they are in fact in an arena. The Capitol anthemn played over the speakers along with a message from **President Frivolious Maxima Poison-Viper. **"Attention Sues." **President Frivolious Maximus Poison-Viper's **voice boomed all across the arena. "Turns out, having two victors is stupid and always leads to trouble, plotholes, OCs, and the like, so one of you needs to die (overdramatically, I'm sure) so that the Games may go on forever. If one of you does not die, then you both will be mercilessly murdered in a public execution along with everyone you know and love. Good evening, and may the odds be _ever _in your favor."

Mary gasped. Stewart gasped. The entirety of Panem gasped. Since the Sues loved every living breathing thing in Panem, it would be like the end of all life on earth! Building would crumble! Forests would wither! Fine cheeses would go to waste!

Stewart turned towards Mary and prepared to commit suicide for his love. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Mary shouted to the heavens, "STEWART! WAIT!" Stewart stopped himself from spontaniously combusting as he heard the voice of his sassafrass-eyed, alarm-haired beautyd. He looked deep into her eyes as she spoke.

"Stewart. Let me be the one to die. There are so many people who love you, who need you to carry on after my death. My family and uber-best friend died and now you're the only one who loves me. Nobody ne-" Mary was cut off by Stewart.

"Mary, you've got it all wrong. _I _still need you, _I _still love love, _I _couldn't even last a second without you. Without you by my side, I wouldn't be a Sue anymore. I'd just be a sad little girl named Linda. Let me, my love. Let me be the one to nobly sacrifice myself for the good of all life." Now Mary was at the brink of tears.

"Stewart, I know that you want to protect me, but you can't stop me from doing this. Look, there was a prophecy from a long lost civilization that was written on a graham cracker about what needs to be done here. I found it one day as I was skipping through a plothole. I memorized it, and it said '... _the sky will be darkened by the wings of many bats __and when the hour of the beast comes the evil one will reveal his true form. Angels will shoot arrows of hope and light at the loved ones of those they were sent to protect and a miracle will happen.'_" Mary stated eloquently. _  
><em>

"Are you sure that's the right prophecy?" the Fanfic Police glared at Mary.

"Of course." she replied.

The Fanfic Police exploded because of just how right she really was. Of course Mary was right. She's Mary. Stewart is Stewart and Glinda is Glinda. Don't you see now? This paragraph is a huge waste of time.

"Look!" Mary pointed at the sky. "It's still darkened with the wings of many bats!" And time changed so that it was so. "And it was 6:06:06 when **President Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper **revealed his true form!" Every clock in the world changed to the appropriate time. "Bertram and Glinda are obviously the angels, and we're obviously the loved ones of those they were sent to protect, since they were sent to cleanse and purify the world and we're the only known beings to be beloved by the entire world!"

Stewart was taken aback by just how much sense that really made. Bertram and Glinda changed into angels with bows and arrows, preparing for what needed to be done. All of Panem held its breath in anticipation. Mary and Stewart held hands as they were pierced by the arrows of hope and light. A great light flashed up from the arena and suddenly the world of Panem was changed forever.

The citizens of the Capitol realized that it was wrong to make others work for them and the District people realized that hey, they didn't have to produce everything while living in poverty so Panem became a socialist society where all were equal, everyone had their own share of the luxuries and labor, and **President Frivolius Maxima Poison-Viper **ruled forever as its benevolent dictator. It was all peaceful and happy and altogether quite boring. The Games still went on, but these had become an honor for everyone involved and anyone killed in them would be taken to Maradise, a heaven only accessible to former tributes. And almost everyone lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Finally got around to finishing this thing. Wonder where that prophecy bit came from... anyways, the real miracle is that this finally ended without me having to make another Christmas special. How did this take almost three years to write again? Oh yeah, 'cause I'm lazy. So thank you to everyone who's stuck through this monstrosity that barely ever updated, read the terrifying holiday specials, and hasn't sent me any death threats over the internet.<br>**

**Special thanks to everyone who reviewed this from start to finish, and... I bet hermanita thinks she's getting thanked here too. Well, she's wrong, since we live in the same house and I can thank her anytime I feel like it. Hope this ending was satisfying, and a Mary Hanukwanzmas to all!**


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